Listen - Listening to hear our partners' message involves an invested concern to hear and understand what is being conveyed. Unfortunately, some people use a selective filter to hear what they want to hear. Fully listening involves many aspects such as clarifying what you hear and actively listening (e.g. listen without judgment, do no interrupt, clarify what the speaker is saying, etc…).
Observe - What do you observe your partner doing nonverbally? Are they balled up? Clenching fists? Crying? Rocking back and forth? How do you respond to these actions? Do you acknowledge them or pretend you did not see how they are reacting? (Not what they are saying, what is their body language saying?)
Validate - How do you let your partner know you appreciate how they are feeling or what they are experiencing? Do you help them to express their feelings or try to solve the problem? Build up, do not tear down, blame or criticize your spouse. For example, use positive statements, communicate care and affection, and accept your partner for who they are.
Express - How do you let your partner know you care for them? What feelings are aroused in you experiencing your partner going through their experience to express needs, wants, concerns, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It is o.k. to be vulnerable but at the same time we need to be respectful of the feelings our spouse expresses. Talk to your partner and let them know your feelings using I messages.
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Copyright © 2011 JerryBiller.com. All rights reserved.
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Dr. Biller has presented more at than 300 invited workshops, public addresses, T.V. and radio interviews as well as many local, state, national and international seminars. He has been published in newspaper, magazine articles and professional journals and frequently contacted to contribute to agencies needing an "expert" in the field. He has consulted with numerous treatment programs on clinical and supervisory issues and has provided Critical Incident Stress Debriefings for persons experiencing traumatic events with such companies as Walt Disney World, Universal Studios and other
private businesses.
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Dr. Derrik Received his Ph.D. in Family Relations from The Florida State University, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the State of Florida, a Board 491 Qualified Supervisor, a Certified Addiction Professional, a member of the Florida Counseling Association and Florida Alcohol and Drug Abuse Association.
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